If you do not already know what the term “ghosting” means in regards to modern dating, then please, tell me your secrets and share your dating wisdom with me: the ultimate ghoster/ghostee.
Ghosting is cruel. There is no other way to describe the act of going out with someone or engaging in active conversation with someone, only to vanish and cut all communication for no apparent reason. I’ve been on both sides of this situation more times than I can count, and I can tell you first hand that it sucks to be ghosted, and it’s sickening to know you ghosted someone else.
Let’s be realistic here. You aren’t going to fall in love with every person you go on a date with. With dating apps out there showing us only a tiny view into a person’s life and a few pictures of them from only their best angles, it’s more and more common to be disappointed when online ‘Mr. Right’ turns out to be a real life ‘Not-So-Prince-Charming’. However, this person is a human being who is just doing his/her best to find love, just like you are, so there is no reason to be rude about the situation. Sometimes, it’s a mutual unspoken agreement at the end of the date that you gave it your best, but there will be no second date. However, more often than not, one of you will leave that date with an entirely different feeling than the other. I’ve put together some tips to coping, whether you’re the victim of a ghoster or you’ve done the ghosting.
Ghostee: Unlucky-In-Love
So, you’ve been ghosted by someone. Now you’re left dissecting every text, every risky joke, every possible thing that could have been stuck to your face and/or hair, every detail of the past encounter(s) you’ve had with this person to try and find a solid, logical reason as to why someone who seemed so great and cool and wonderful would treat you like an evil human who kicks dogs and worships Hitler.
*Side note, if you do kick dogs and worship Hitler, you need Jesus, not a blog.
The first thing to know about being ghosted is, in most cases, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. You most likely did nothing wrong to this person. Maybe they didn’t feel a connection with you, maybe it was bad timing, maybe they’re seeing someone else, maybe they died, but they more than likely did it for reasons that have nothing to do with you and who you are as a person.
For example, I recently ghosted someone who was perfect for me, on paper. First thing to note here, I am horrible for ghosting him, and I later apologized to him profusely. But my reason for ghosting had nothing to do with anything that he should find insulting. As stupid as it sounds, the reason I ghosted this poor man was because he reminded me of my brother. Yep, I can’t explain what it was exactly, but when he sat across from me, I would see my brother Dominic and have a minor panic attack. So. Incredibly. Stupid. Without thinking, I dropped him completely and if I had just let him down easy as soon as possible, he would have been saved the feeling of embarrassment that comes with being ghosted.
Lastly, for most decent people, ghosting sucks just as much for them as it does for you. Ghosting someone denies the basic human decency that we owe each other and it basically sends the message to someone else that they aren’t worthy of your time and acknowledgement. I don’t care who you are, Iron Man himself would feel at least a twinge of guilt after doing that to another person. The screwed-up part of it is, they think they’re doing you a service. They think that, if they just pretend like nothing happened, it may spare your feelings. When we all know that is complete horse sh*t and it’s just an excuse for a coward to feel less cowardly.
The universe has a funny way of evening itself out. You’ll be ghosted again, or maybe you won’t, but you’ll definitely have opportunities to ghost others if you stay in the dating scene. The important thing to remember is, if you know how utterly shitty and degrading it feels to be ghosted, why would you ever knowingly do it to someone else?
Ghoster: Another One Bites the Dust
Alright, don’t panic, you are not a bad person. You’ve f*cked up, and it’s never too late to get your sh*t together and apologize. You already know how gross it feels to be ghosted, so don’t beat around the bush. If you’ve ghosted someone, whether it be knowingly or unknowingly, own up to it! You don’t want to date this person, so f*cking what. We’re all adults here. Text this poor unfortunate soul and say something along the lines of “Hey *insert name here*, I’m so sorry that I’ve ghosted you for all this time and I hope you know it is entirely my being an idiot and not anything you said or did. I hope you’re doing well!” SO. SIMPLE.
Sure, you’ll have to take yourself down a notch and admit to someone else that you f*cked up, but that is so much easier to do than you would think. Whether this person forgives you is on them, but if you take the time to apologize, you are in the clear.
To avoid this situation entirely in the future, the obvious solution is to just not ghost someone at all. If you find yourself in a situation where you know you have no interest in dating or seeing or talking to this person again, you owe them a simple “I had a great time with you, but I don’t think I see this moving forward.” You don’t need to explain yourself, you don’t even need to apologize. You went on this date with every intention of giving it a shot, you didn’t feel a spark, so you let them down gently before anything evolved for them. You didn’t do anything wrong or blatantly abusive to the other person and have nothing to feel sorry about at that point.
*To clarify, if you are in a situation where you have been clear what your intentions are and you’ve done everything you can to spare someone else’s feelings, and they are still persistent or flat out rude to you about it, they deserve to be ignored/blocked/told off in any way you see fit. F*ckboy/girls deserve all the ghosting they get.
If you need personalized advice on how to send the “I’m not interested” message without ghosting or sounding like an ass hat, contact me! But, simply put, just grow a pair and be a decent person, you will never regret the times you choose not to ghost someone.
